“Let Me Off This Ride”

I’m taking a break from my story to let you in on the here and now. My struggles with OCD, Anorexia and Bipolar are like a roller coaster. Highs and lows, accelerations and stops. Each day brings a mix of emotions. I can range from happy and feeling accomplished to frustrated and feeling like a failure, all in a matter of 24 hours.

Yesterday evening, my OCD got the best of me. I experienced an onslaught of intrusive and obsessional thoughts, of varying themes, and struggled to treat them. I analyzed, ruminated, avoided and sought reassurance from both myself and my husband to try and neutralize the thoughts. I know performing these compulsions will only intensify the thoughts, however, at times, it seems impossible to follow the treatment plan.

Icing on the cake… my eating disorder is berating me today. “You’re fat”, “You’ve lost control”, “Stop listening to your treatment team”, “Look at your cellulite”, “You used to be so thin”. I’ve body checked (examined my waist, hips and thighs in the mirror, sucked in my stomach, and measured my upper arms) at least 50 times today. The voice is so loud and it drones on and on and on.

It’s days like these I have to dig deep, real deep. I remind myself of how miserable I was when I was in the throes of my eating disorder. I tell myself, “You almost died”, even though, at the time, I wouldn’t believe it. I picture my children and my husband and remind myself that they need me.

So, I pull myself up by my bootstraps and I follow my meal plan. I don’t over exercise, starve myself or cut myself. I commit the time and energy to complete my assigned exposures and I follow the treatment plan, because as hard as it is, I’ll do anything not to go back.


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